What, should I write? Do I really want to talk what I am feeling or do I have share? No! I should not be sharing. But, I do want to talk, feel little light, may that could convey the message or the message has already been conveyed or am being foolishly optimistic to surmount the cliff. Forget it. It will be another moaning of a helpless innocent soul. Too many questions and no answers, that is life, isn’t it? And all I am supposed to do is accept, Am I ready yet to give in to the hopelessness or should I believe into those positivity poster shared days and nights on the walls of my Facebook friends? Yak, this melodrama, I myself is not ready to listen to this crap of another rambling dolt’s mind. Forgive me, I need to talk, I desperately need to, hence the blog post.
Anyways, this evening is quite better, actually last few has been calm for the numbness that has crept in. Why this numbness? May be I am not seeing the ray at end of tunnel, and darkness, never the less, is less chaotic. You don’t see much when there is no light, it is uniform, and darkness is fairer. It confines you within yourself; you don’t see who are happy around you or who are crying in their soul. It is just you. You don’t see the one, who left you or was never there, may be footsteps, walking away, are lost in the depth of this darkness. I should be thanking the god for the eyes which can’t see in darkness, thank him for the night that descends taking away the chaos of the daylight and spreading the timely blindness each night to tranquil the soul, or mist the eyes when no one can see to wash away the dust that is choking my sight. It is getting too metaphoric, I can’t help it. I can’t say exactly what I am feeling, I am scared, not courageous enough, and whatever it is? I won’t tell, I myself don’t know exactly what it is.
Let’s get back to the evening, it is not the like the each other day, I feel like this. I rushed to the terrace, Bangalore is back to its pleasant time. A cloudy day it was all through the afternoon, and the setting of the soon gave way to the cooler breeze. It felt nice to stand in the balcony to soak in the easiness of this cool breeze. I took my earphone rushed to my apartment’s terrace. Plugged in the earphone, here it was all romantic songs in the F.M, thankfully these F.M walas and walis are being kind to the Hindi song listeners. What next, nothing, no feelings, just stretched hands, wind flowing through your ears and occasional slow steps of a ballroom dance. Who cares, how I dance, I don’t, to say the least. Here I was looking up the cloudy sky, from terrace of one of the towers of this concrete jungle and smiling, dancing, letting myself to be. One glance around the city and you see towers jostling in the sky and dull light beaming out of the windows of the thousand silent apartments of these towers. A look closer and a constant gaze, and I hear them scream. All of them have some stories to tell, some happy, happier and some very lonely ones too. But they can’t, all of them are scared to scream, to let their heart speak out. They all are scared of the others, who are these others? Aren’t they too sharing the same urge? What stopping them? Why this deafening silence, why can’t they for once scream and tell me their stories loud and clear. May be I too, can shout out all that I have in me, when they decide to shout and when their noise will overpower my scream. I will be happy to hide myself among loud scream.
It is not happening, not today for sure. So let just listen to the broken, happy, lonely souls who are on air talking to the VJs, sharing their story in between the beautiful scores that are being hummed on my earphone. Till I have the courage to tell my story. Let me dance in this breeze, let me smile on the image of my imagination among the cloud, stars and let me thank for once the moon light to be there for me to see the what I want to see in the sky. Till then you too have a good time with yourself.